Rambling On Monday

It has been a long since I last posted something but to be honest this time I have a legit reason, I don't know what I want to do with my life. This is a dilemma for everyone but I feel like I really am lost. I'm 18 now and even tho I suffer with the the thought of knowing that I'll finish high school by 2017 I do think I'm lucky I have one more year to think about what I want to do. As a child I always wanted to be a different thing, now is totally the same. I wanted to study psychology, but I'm an art student and don't know if that is possible, then I thought about graphic design, but I don't know if it's something I'll be good at, now I'm thinking about liberal arts, but there are some subjects I haven't study in years and I'm afraid I'd fail. So long story short, I have no idea what to do.
I know I want to go away from here, I want to travel the world and meet new people but this year I've met some amazing people and I am so happy about it and finally I feel like things are starting to go the right way. But if life has taught me that everything can change 180 degrees in just a second. So right now I'm lost.

One thing I has to say tho is that I am preparing myself for university. I don't know what I'll study, or where, or even if I'll be able to pay it, but I know I want to study something. Maybe I've been thinking about it too much lately and I'm becoming obsessed about it so I will try to take a break and just focus on doing what I love.

This last paragraph reminds me of something. I've loved Youtube since I was 8 and always wanted to make videos. I have never had the opportunity. Let's start with the number one reason, my dad. He has always been so obsessed with me and my sister not using social media! He used to say that social media is something bad and that if we uploaded a photo of our selves people would use it and spy on us. So my dream about having a Youtube channel has been dead for a long time. But lately I've been thinking that maybe I could start one. That may be one of my 2016 resolutions. Unfortunately I am always thinking about what will others say about what I do and I know that having a Youtube channel is something everyone does nowadays, maybe I should just forget about what people will say and start focusing on what I want but it seems so difficult!

To be honest, I am really happy what where I am now in my life. I'm starting to do what I want and not depend on others so much. It seems like life is starting to change and myself too. And right now I'm rambling but I just needed to write something. And now what I should do is go and study (but I'm too lazy for that to be honest).

And I wish a happy New Year to everyone! (Even tho no one reads this except me)

A place to express myself :3

The best thing about this blog is that I can say whatever I want whenever I want. I can post every 10 minutes as well as post nothing in months. I can say what I feel and I don't really care who is Reading it because this is me, this is how I feel and if someone doesnt like it they can stop reading! Isn't it a great invention?

I don't know why but I find it easier to talk to strangers about how I feel instead of talking to the ones that are close to me. I'm super weird... but that's one of my perks right? Hahaha.

I logged in today to see I haven't post anything in months, and I'd like to say I don't know why but that'd be lying. I know exactly why I don't post, I wanted to make a beauty blog or at least I thought that. After some time I've realised I just want a place where I can talk about everything and anything.

And all this brings me to the reason I'm writing. I'm too tired of everything.

I know we're all living in difficult times but believe me, being rude to the ones you love will not make it easier. Why am I saying this? Because of my family. I can see my sister trying to live her own life away from us, and it's actually a good thing (she's 25 ok?) but one thing she can´t understand is that while she's still living with us it is impossible. Of course she can have her friends, job and everything, but coming home and going to your bedroom as if we don't exist is pretty rude, you know?
Then I also have my wonderfully mad parents! I really find it impossible to know what do they want or what they think! I can find my mother yelling at me for doing nothing all day and 5 seconds later thanking me for cleaning up the dishes. I understand there's a lot she's worried about but really mum you don't need to sit down and start telling me that you wont buy me the books I want, that I'll have to find a job to buy whatever I want. Or tell me that having a job is a big responsibility. Do I look so stupid? I mean, I know perfectly what life is like! I'm only 18 and I've already gone through more things than you have in all your life.
And as for my father... well that's complicated. We can really be together but being apart is also difficult. Is a neither with you nor without you father-daughter relationship. But as long as he stays out of my business and I stay out of hims everything seems to be right.

And now excuse me but I gotta go look for a job so I can buy myself some self-help books and food that I actually like and doesn't make me depressed!

By for now and have a great Sunday!!

Sunday Sadness (and me rambling...)

*Surely I'll end up deleting this post as is very personal and to be honest is a sad topic for me*

So... Hi there everyone! I know I haven't post in a while, I never post every week as I'd like but... is hard to post about fashion and beauty and all the stuff I like when I'm always sad, trying to figure out why should I keep studying if it's not going to change anything. I can't find  job, my parents neither. We are just in a difficult situation right now. The top of the cake is that this month was the 6 months anniversary of my grandpa Simeon's death and it's been a couple months since the death of my other grandpa, Ivan. I miss them. I miss them so much! 

This year, next month, I'm turning 18. I can't even believe I'm so old... I don't really want to grow up. I don't want to get older, time only makes things harder! This was supposed to be the year I was turning in to an adult, and all my grandparents had to be here... 

Don't get me wrong, ok? I'm so blessed I've been able to spend 17 years with my grandparents, all of them. But now... now my biggest support in life is gone. The thing that I hate the most is my bad memory. I can't remember everything. I'm just not able to remember things, I don't know why... is hard. It is really hard to try to remember and see that all those memories are gone now.

Sometimes I think about how things would be if they were still alive. What if they could see me now? Would they be happy with the person I've become? With who I am? What if they were not?

So many questions without answers. So many happy moments, but no memories. 

I suppose it's good to cry every now and then but... it seems my life has stopped, I have stopped living, since he got away. I'm supposed to be a grown up women with aspirations and goals in life, but right now I can't think about my future. I know I want to be successful in life so everyone, even I, can be proud of me. I want to be a photographer. But wanting and wishing doesn't give you anything, you have to work hard to success. At the moment I can't see myself working hard, I don't take care of myself, I barely go out with friends, I'm loosing everything. I'm loosing my friends, my family, my health, everything! And it's all because I can't let my feelings out. I would never talk bout how I'm feeling and that is not ok. It is not ok to let all your feelings get stuck in you. It doesn't matter if you're feeling good, bad, happy, sad or whatever you are feeling you have to talk with someone you trust in and talk about it! 

I think all this post end up with me talking about how everyone should get their feelings out and I'm letting you know I don't do that because is too hard for me to talk anything and everything. Being honest tomorrow (actually today because it's 1:41) I'm supposed to be with my therapist and talk with her about me but every time I try to do that the time's out and I have to go so maybe that's why it is hard for me to talk.

Hope you are all having an amazing week, that things are going well and that you're luckier than me! Hopefully I'll start writing more here even if is not about fashion and beauty, life is also a topic I like and enjoy talking, writing, reading and thinking about!

Bye beauties! <3

 

 I will always love and remember you.

New family member?

I´ve been away from here for a long now and to be honest so many things had happened!
The first and most important change has been a lovely, fluffy, soft, white, super cute new member in our family... I'm sure you're getting that it's not a human baby (my sister says she's too young to have a baby now so I'll have to wait haha) but still it is a baby. I'm talking about Audrey, our new little dog. A beautiful little white Maltese.
My sister and I found out that a family in a school we know was giving away three little dogs and we decided that we could adopt her. I've raised in a family where having a pet is something that has to be! I grew up with my grandparents German Shepherd lovely girl Romi (unfortunately she died at age 7 from cancer but she was the best ever dog you could ever meet! I miss her so much now...) and I've always loved animals. I've had hamsters, cats, and I've take care of other animals when I was younger and used to spend my summer in our village. So it is not a new that since I was like 5 I've wanted a dog. When I was 11 my family gave me Tobby, who is now my best friend and he's been by my side always since the first time we met! Then some months ago Pippin came to our lives. For Christmas we were blessed with a beautiful bunny, unfortunately now I have to give him away because it seems I'm allergic to almost everything is this big world. *crying right now*

I can see how I've started talking nonsense so I'm going to the point I wanted, showing you some pictures of Audrey!

As you can see in this photos she looks really sleepy and quite but she has a little 'demon' inside haha She loves waking me up at 4 a.m. or 6 a.m. and start playing with me! She's the cutest baby ever and I love how playful she is but I'm not sure I want to wake up so early in the morning everyday specially knowing I have insomnia ;P

Hope you enjoyed this little post and get ready because this month I'll be uploading my first ever Youtube video!! *getting super excited*

Relax

We live in a world where we can't take some take to think in ourselves, we have to work, study, clean, go to the grocery store, and a lot more things that just take our time.

Even thought we live in an electronic world where we can read a book on the phone, buy things trough the internet and get almost everything in our life done without going out we still can't relax and have 5 minutes to think in us, what we need and how we feel.

The good news is that nowadays we don't have to go and see a therapist or go to the gym to relax, we have something amazing called apps! And today I'll be talking about the ones I find are helping me the most when I feel stressed or just want to have some 'me' time. 

Headspace

This is a free application which shows you the benefits of practising what is called mindfulness, is a quick exercise which makes you relax and get rid of all that stress around you. It takes you only 10 minutes per day and you can do it everywhere at any time.

The free version has the 'Take 10' plan and is about doing one session each day. Of course you can also subscribe and by paying 8 euros per month you can also use their SOS program, the classic and the On-The-Go ones. It also makes you be able to personalise you Headspace with different packs such us sleep, stress and focus.

As I can't afford the paid version I'm currently using the free one but I can sincerely say it helps a lot specially when I have that horrible before-an-exam anxiety.

Fitstar Yoga

As most of the yoga/exercise apps that are out there you have a free version and a paid one. As said before I use the free one. This means I can't have a special profile for myself with specific exercises but if you're just getting into yoga and you're a beginner or just want to do some stretching then the free version will be perfect for you. It helps with stretching, relaxing, and just having some time for yourself! And I promise after doing this workouts you feel a lot better and with more energy. If you're new in yoga then try and start practising 2 or 3 times per week :)

Whisper

Ok. This one may seem awkward but I promise it helps when you're not feeling ok or have something you can't handle and want to tell but you can't. I do use it a lot when I know I can't see my therapist and just feel low and share how I feel or what's happening or anything you want!
Whisper is an app where people from all over the world share secrets (or just feelings) without anyone knowing who they are. And you also have a chat where you can talk with someone if you want because you feel alike :)
The bad thing? There's a lot of people that will chat with you trying to have sexting(?) with you or that are just paedophiles... believe if I tell you there's too much of those one, unfortunately. But if you just block them or don't use the chat then you can say all those things you want or just gossip a little bit ;)

So now is your turn to let me know if you have any favourite app or hobby that makes you feel more relaxed! Have a great weekend!!