*Surely I'll end up deleting this post as is very personal and to be honest is a sad topic for me*
So... Hi there everyone! I know I haven't post in a while, I never post every week as I'd like but... is hard to post about fashion and beauty and all the stuff I like when I'm always sad, trying to figure out why should I keep studying if it's not going to change anything. I can't find job, my parents neither. We are just in a difficult situation right now. The top of the cake is that this month was the 6 months anniversary of my grandpa Simeon's death and it's been a couple months since the death of my other grandpa, Ivan. I miss them. I miss them so much!
This year, next month, I'm turning 18. I can't even believe I'm so old... I don't really want to grow up. I don't want to get older, time only makes things harder! This was supposed to be the year I was turning in to an adult, and all my grandparents had to be here...
Don't get me wrong, ok? I'm so blessed I've been able to spend 17 years with my grandparents, all of them. But now... now my biggest support in life is gone. The thing that I hate the most is my bad memory. I can't remember everything. I'm just not able to remember things, I don't know why... is hard. It is really hard to try to remember and see that all those memories are gone now.
Sometimes I think about how things would be if they were still alive. What if they could see me now? Would they be happy with the person I've become? With who I am? What if they were not?
So many questions without answers. So many happy moments, but no memories.
I suppose it's good to cry every now and then but... it seems my life has stopped, I have stopped living, since he got away. I'm supposed to be a grown up women with aspirations and goals in life, but right now I can't think about my future. I know I want to be successful in life so everyone, even I, can be proud of me. I want to be a photographer. But wanting and wishing doesn't give you anything, you have to work hard to success. At the moment I can't see myself working hard, I don't take care of myself, I barely go out with friends, I'm loosing everything. I'm loosing my friends, my family, my health, everything! And it's all because I can't let my feelings out. I would never talk bout how I'm feeling and that is not ok. It is not ok to let all your feelings get stuck in you. It doesn't matter if you're feeling good, bad, happy, sad or whatever you are feeling you have to talk with someone you trust in and talk about it!
I think all this post end up with me talking about how everyone should get their feelings out and I'm letting you know I don't do that because is too hard for me to talk anything and everything. Being honest tomorrow (actually today because it's 1:41) I'm supposed to be with my therapist and talk with her about me but every time I try to do that the time's out and I have to go so maybe that's why it is hard for me to talk.
Hope you are all having an amazing week, that things are going well and that you're luckier than me! Hopefully I'll start writing more here even if is not about fashion and beauty, life is also a topic I like and enjoy talking, writing, reading and thinking about!
Bye beauties! <3
I will always love and remember you.
